My mother had a stroke. Not a little TIA, but a right-brain, left-side paralyzing, bloodclot-initiated stroke. That was 43 days ago, and as much as her life has changed and she struggles to adjust, my life has been altered.
I know, it sounds selfish. It sounds selfish when I say it, selfish when I think it, and selfish when I write it. She's my mother, I'm her daughter, and there is only one option. She cared for me and now I care for her.
I have a sibling, who is more MIA then present. Only a day-trip away, but his life needs him, while my life is on hiatus. He has to work, while I'm on family leave. His family needs him daily, while my son's have taken on the role of secondary caregivers. Not an unusual story, but at 2am when my mother is crying and praying for relief from the nerve pain, I get angry, I feel mistreated and I feel taken advantage of. 43 days since the stroke and my sibling has generously spent a total of 8 days with his entourage (wife and kids) visiting and/or caring for our mother, but insist on reminding me "your not in this alone". But at 2am on day 43, I feel very alone with mother, I feel very alone with our pain, I feel very alone in our situation.
My mother is the woman I have admired my entire life, the woman I wanted to be more like. She is the one person I can call when my day is bad or my heart is broken and her response is alway "WE will be okay". So here WE are. 43 days after she called me at 4:16am to tell me something was really wrong, 43 days after I raced her to the hospital, 43 days after the stroke, she is home, she is unable to use her left side, and I am with her 24/7.
I remind myself daily, this will not be our life forever. This is not our life, this is just Tuesday, April 5, 2011.
I know, it sounds selfish. It sounds selfish when I say it, selfish when I think it, and selfish when I write it. She's my mother, I'm her daughter, and there is only one option. She cared for me and now I care for her.
I have a sibling, who is more MIA then present. Only a day-trip away, but his life needs him, while my life is on hiatus. He has to work, while I'm on family leave. His family needs him daily, while my son's have taken on the role of secondary caregivers. Not an unusual story, but at 2am when my mother is crying and praying for relief from the nerve pain, I get angry, I feel mistreated and I feel taken advantage of. 43 days since the stroke and my sibling has generously spent a total of 8 days with his entourage (wife and kids) visiting and/or caring for our mother, but insist on reminding me "your not in this alone". But at 2am on day 43, I feel very alone with mother, I feel very alone with our pain, I feel very alone in our situation.
My mother is the woman I have admired my entire life, the woman I wanted to be more like. She is the one person I can call when my day is bad or my heart is broken and her response is alway "WE will be okay". So here WE are. 43 days after she called me at 4:16am to tell me something was really wrong, 43 days after I raced her to the hospital, 43 days after the stroke, she is home, she is unable to use her left side, and I am with her 24/7.
I remind myself daily, this will not be our life forever. This is not our life, this is just Tuesday, April 5, 2011.
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